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Jun. 27th, 2015

(no subject)

Oh depression,  how you fucken suck

Jan. 9th, 2013


12/16/12 12:36
You're barely waking up! Issy told me you were working and i said no he's lazy and prolly sleeping. she's like "how do you know!" so i'm like ok, maybe he is wokring

eh: 1237
I woke up an hour ago

well the child thinks youre hard working so thats good since yest she hated you

eh 1240
i know her secret now. so i'm ok with that.

youre checking in on me? that upsets me
no i'm checking in on thestatus. idk what checking in on you would even mean? dont be upset :/
eh810 too late! you upset me and now i'm sad
dont make me sadder by saying that i'm making you sad. 
eh: i'm kiddng jan. you gots to stops taking me so seriously.
812ok as i sent that i thought to myself- this guys prolly joking. too late msg sent.
eh: oh so you think you know me. now i am upset.
i know that i know nothing.:)
eh:815 what? i'm not good enough? i'm not important enough?

go get wasted and have your fun. dont drive though.
837truth. night! :)
eh night

12-19-12 349pm
jan says hi

eh:429 hello jan.
950 eh: i was kidding. its called a joke. you stil owe me for driving you car. i forgot all about that.
951i said liar! bc ik you were joking my ass pleased your ass! and ya the car driving, dammnit i reminded you you have a legit favor :/ boo
954eh: well technically not your ass. we didnt get to go anal. but being that i'm a guy my pleasruing overpowers yours. so you owe me.
1227am what was first and second?
1228 eh: the sex is second
12128 the 1st
1229 eh: when we almost got killed. 
1229am hahhaa. my top 3 are diff
1231 eh: whats your 3
1236 2nd is every and anytime you went down on me
1239 eh i liked that too! what's 1
1239 when we played just the tip :)
1240 eh: i hated/loved that.
1241i think that may be my fav no1 moment.
2141eh ;why
1242 because of your reaction. plus i liked the teasing. and it felt too to almost. i was really wet and your cock was so hard for me- idk i just liked it.
1246 eh: you're mean to me. i liked when we actually had sex. that was better. teasing is mean. i felt your wetness and i so badly wanted to stick the whole thing in.
1247 not mean, it was great! that and wehn we almost gote killed- but bc the sex in my car was super hot that night not the great almost dying story
1250eh: it was mean! but i still liked it. i liked the hot sex. i think thats my favorite night.
1251 nope you can't take it! i said it frist!!1 3 maybe when we did the cupcake/movie thing. that was a more relaxed night.and the frosting was cool.
1253 eh: but it is my favorite. why can't we share it? the movie made mesad. cupcakes were great though. we shouldve played more with the frosting. 
1254ugh i guess we can share it. but it was mine first. the movie was sad/ :/ but good.shouldve but ig didnt think itd be the last time sohought thered be more times. oh well a little was still good.
1256:eh: more couldve been better. a glot more wouldbe been great.
1257the frosting was fun! even a littl, its what i thought itd be- so it worked out.
1258eh: fun? it only lasted liike 3 seconds. i wanted frosting on me.1259
so those th3s were still fun. :) on you? i did too but we didnt really think of it at the time.
eh 103am yes it was fun. it was all fun. we couldnve done a lot more. whey didnt you think of doing more?
104bc it got to 2am and i had to pick up becka and you said you were getting tiresd so we didnt go into the spare room. i was busy frosting your cupcakes. that was the night you actually had to call me out of the kitchedn for one more time lol.
eh 110 oh yes. i had a sudden urget ot have sex with you agina.
119eh: i'm guessing you went to sleep. good night. 
119 i answered... i nust laughed and said yes. bc it was funny that you got a sudden 'urge' for one more time.
123 eh: whatever i saw your naked body. ig ot turned on. klicked some frosting off a nipple. the urge was casued by alot
123 i was half naked. somehow my lingeried got pulled down
124eh; did i do it?
125 probably. you wanted off with the damn thing. i hsould drive by your house like a stalker for old times sake too bad its not on the way home lol
127 eh: sounds like me. why would i want you in clothes? you shoudl, like old times
129idk whats wrong w/cltohes? already home i was only a few blocks away.
130eh: they hide the good stuff. you still stalk me?
131 a few blockes away from my home. never stalked you. just thought it was funny to tell you when i crossed paths clothes keep me warm now. i ijust avoid it.
133 eh: avoid what
134 driving anywhere clost to yoiur house or the store or the park. except for today but i figured you were at work and i said fuck it.
135 eh: why must you avoid me?
136 you think you dont like change? it takes me a lot to adjust. which is the real reason i tried to give myself a few days. ik you were there last week and i appreciate it but i dont want to wear you out on it.
eh: 138 how those few days go for you?
140 the truth? 
140eh: yes
141 i got pretty messed up sunday . i orginially thousht some not nice things wehich hurt and monday i was gone majoritey of the afternoon. all in all not fun but i figured i'd better get used to not tty like before. not even the no longer relationshippy/sexcapedes stuff but the talking daily.
144 eh; if it makes you feel better some times, when i'm reminisicng, i find myself missing the good old times.
145 well i know i had to work out trhu some stuff, i tried last week but it was hectic w/the wedding so i needed a few days to myself. to really think. it did hurt my feelings to think that maybe you were just trying to be chill til the wedding was over then maybe you'd stop talking. or just talking to me so i wouldnt blab about what went down. that part sucked a lot.
151 eh; no the wedding was a lot. it had me focused on other stuff. sometiems i didn't know how to act around you.
153 samne here. i just felt shittty if i was forcing you to cont talking to me..itd hurt but i really dont want you to be dsihonest wme. like it was awkward when i went to give you the cd and you acted scared
155 eh: me acting scared was a joke. to lighten things up. guess it didn't work. i'm happy to text you.
156 and i kept going over if i'd done something wrong. and even if the answer is no it still stings. i htought you were seriousl but i was in a hurtty to just give to youb c i didnt want to have it anymroe. didnt want you to think i was going to make anexcuse and drag it out. i fgured itd take a few days and then txt you and if fyou didnt care then there was my sign. well that you just didnt care and then maybe you were just wanting to put ti all behind you and not talk at all.
205 eh: i probably woul'dve tried to put it all behind me. cause to be honest, when i make an action i sometimes doubt myself if its what i really want. i did doubt myself i f i really wanted it to end. i wanted to push it away so it wouldnt mess me up.
208 well i wont be twisting your arm to get back so dont worry i would hate myself fo rthat. i can be super senstibe to tother so i know what i want but i worryabout the other person. i guess im certain of myself but i know not everyone else is.
213 eh: yeah. we must only move on. though, i will awaysl be happy with the memories of it.

Feb. 5th, 2010


Knowing that your ex still has to answer questions about his failure..... Knowing people still ask him for you.... Knowing he stumbles and stutters when they all ask exactly what the fuck he was thinking when he did what he did to you. That they all ask if she was the one when he introduces her to your old mutual acquaintances... I no longer live in the past but I too remember when I thought I needed those answers. Lies and dishonesty.... oh I remember all too well. The million questions you left me unanswered. I get no sick joy out of knowing my name still has to escape your lips. No satisfaction from knowing you will always have to explain what you did. I shrug and say; life happens. Am I happier now? Define happiness. Am I happier now than I was with I was with you? I still wish you had never done what you did... I didn't need another scar. I didn't need another burden to carry through time. Am I happier now than when I found out? Of course. How could I be happy when you single-handedly wrecked the life we were building? Am I bitter? Not unless there's a bottle of whiskey in my hand and I'm feeling pitiful. Do I talk to you? All the time... when people ask how we've managed and if we are civil I practice conversations that might occur next time we speak. I go back and try to change the words that came out of your mouth. Some days I still silently plead... couldn't you have just told me? Couldn't you have just walked away instead of leading me on and living your double life? I didn't need to find out. You made mistakes and the end was near but there was a million different ways you could have gone about and none involved as much deception as the path you chose. But it happened.... We can't change it and I've come to accept it. Next time they ask, tell them the truth that we still can't speak about. Life happens and we had our time and then... Then what? I guess even now you struggle with the answers that were never there. The truth is there are no answers and as long as you don't try to justify what there is no justification for, things will be just fine where they are now. Jaded more and more through the time that has passed. Don't slow down. Don't stop. Keep moving cause baby, there ain't no going back.

(no subject)

So I'm completely single.. we'll see how this goes. For the last year i've been trying desperately to be content with someone who just does not get it. I'm not in love with them. I can not see myself with them and I'm tired of being in this standby mode. I've tried to end it more than once and hell at times I suceeded but it was always easier to get back with him then to try to once again re-explain why it just doesn't work. Everytime I've ever told him I don't want to be with him he asks me for a list of exact reasons why. My reasons have not changed much but to him they have never been enough. I'm not happy with him. That in itself should be enough.  We have so many differences that I don't see us working through... and I don't care enough to even want to try. He has a lot of good qualities... and a lot of flaws. Its called being human. Yet he seems to think that because he's a 'good guy' I should stick around and not walk away from him. I care for him as a person, he has been a good friend to me, but I realisitically just do not give a shit about anything pertaining to him in any romantic aspect. The last time I cared was when he was being sketchy and I thought/think he may have fucked my X-friend, and I think I only gave a care that time b/c he was trying to convince me to get back with him and how much he loved me and blah blah blah, it was more the deception and feeling like I had believed a lie. I wasn't upset by thinking he may not have loved me I was upset because I had believed him when he said he did.  I can't help but feel like this horribly selfish person I tell him he could never be nothing less than a second place for me and he says he's fine with that. But we both deserve more than that. I want a shot at complete happiness and he should be with someone that actually wants to be with him.  All the while i feel like an ass cause everyone keeps saying what a great guy he is. But wtf am i supposed to do?

Dec. 18th, 2009

Writer's Block: Go it alone

Do you think society puts too much pressure on people to be in relationships and/or have children? Do you think this ostracizes people who would be perfectly content to remain single and/or child-free? Is this pressure worse around the holidays?
hell ya they do just look at how taxes are done. The majority of my high school class has popped out at least a few kids, the majority of them unemployed. Why should i not get a tax break for helping keep the population down. I think i deserve a damn medal to tell you the truth. Slightly worse around the holidays the insanity around this time is heightened anyways but throw in a few dozen crying kids everywhere and parents that refuse to parent their kids. I've seen more parents flip out on their kids for no reason (dirty clothes) than i've seen anyone do anything about the kid thats throwing a fit in the middle of an aisle because he didn't get whatever toy he was bribed into 'behaving' good for.

Oct. 17th, 2009

Letter to Oversexed America

Dear Oversexed America;
             I would greatly appreciate it if you left me alone. Today I was hit on... and I can not believe what hitting on constitues on these days. No I will not go to your hotel room. What the fuck? Seriously? Do I blame this type of behavior on the alcohol? No. If one cannot drink and control themselves then you shouldn't be drinking at all. I am well aware that alcohol reduces some people's inhibitions but it is not an excuse or a reason for you to act like a complete jackass. 90% entertainment, 10% work. That is how my current job was described to me when I first started, and for the most part it is true. I get to bullshit with people for the majority of my day. It's a pretty sweet job. But do I honestly have to remind people that I am not a down on my luck stripper and that they are not in a brothel by any means or some shady business where my affection is for sale, CAUSE IT IS MOST DEFINETLY NOT. I'm all about having fun and if you know me at all you know I am a blunt little woman.. Yet there is a big difference between going up to a stranger and sayin "hey I think you're cute want to grab a drink sometime," and telling someone "hey I'd like to fuck you." I shouldn't have to tell guests that there is a strict no touching policy and they can get kicked out and even banned for such inappropriate behavior.  If you know you can't grab some strippers ass why the hell would you think you can grab some attendants ass? Let me do my job and make sure everything is fine and well with you but no where in my job description does it say I have to 'take care' of you. I don't care how much money you have, or what you're willing to tip me. Last time I checked I wasn't a hooker. And for crying out loud not $40 or $100 will get you anything from me other than a thanks, appreciate it, and good luck.
ms. modest mouse.

Oct. 13th, 2009

the wait is on

So yesterday I had my ultrasound... Have to wait 3 weeks to see what that says. I have faith that everything is going to be ok. The waiting game begins... And my new schedule kinda sucks ass.

Oct. 9th, 2009


So tomorrow I go for my first ever mammogram. Scared off my rocker.. Had so much sh*t hit the fan recently but the only thing I'm concerned with right now is my boobies... I found a lump and although I'm only 24 and pretty much healthy all around this scared the hell outta me.... So I made an appointment at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow.. By my regular operating hours anyway; and hopefully everything will go ok.. Just want to have it behind me...Yes I'm thinking postively right now because I already had my freakout so... I can't even write I should be in bed. :(

Oct. 5th, 2009

wtf halloween.

So my department wants to dress up for halloween and do a theme in accordance with the wizard of oz...... Apparently I get my choice of character although everyone wants me to be the lion.... Have been looking at costumes now for the last week and my head feels like its going to implode... not explode. IMPLODE! I know no matter what I wear it's going to come off looking slutty and I will get blamed for this.... I am not looking forward to this.. Last year I wore scrubs and still managed to appear like a trollop. Wow... I don't know what stupid character I will be and this is driving me on the verge of tossing in the towel. Especially since I can't even remember how much the prize is going to be... But if I don't dress up I will be the sour milk in everyone's cereal.. I know I'll probably just pick something show up and say f*ck it and have a blast running around in whatever little skimpy outfit I spend unnecessary money on... Because in case you haven't looked at halloween costumes..... They all have sexy in the title, so this should be interesting.. Sexy evil bad witch... Sexy Dorothy. Sexy Scarecrow... Sexy Tin Man... Yup there is a Sexy Tin Man outfit out there..... Just what I need..... Bring on the haters...Or even worse old men trying to show me their erection... :(  FML. Shopping for once is going to suck....

Oct. 2nd, 2009

s is for stupid

Why, why, why? Seriously... I don't remember who greatly quoted why don't ex's just die when you're done with them... but really. Hope you're happy in that REAL HONEST WAY of after I have found someone to put you to shame. Realistically. And I don't care about who you're seeing. I don't want to know how things with them are working out. ESPECIALLY when  you feel the need to tell me once again how you ruined things between us. I was there. I remember. I don't need to know how you're thinking about getting serious but still can't stop thinking about me in the depths of your mind/heart. I feel the same way. And I do not want to get caught up in the horrible allure of you. I am a tough little broad... as long as I don't let myself fall for you again. Distance and space haven't made things easier.... I haven't forgotten but truthfully you being around makes it easier to get over you.... you are a repeat offender and I must live with the fact that I let you commit those attrocities against my heart as many times as you did.  But with being close to you... It means you have the power to once again do your snake charming tricks on me. Oh I am such a fool.

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